Everything so different..

If I looked back for 1 years ago and how i see it now, its so different. If i didnt move to that idiot school.. Everything will look different now cause it started there at school. Well yes, i kind of liked the school there but is not the same as a normal school.. People didnt give a fuck about the teacher, they do whatever they wanted to do. its was fun but hey, i didnt learn a thing over there. Just fun and destroy your fucking life. I met few people, who i can have fun with but i didnt do everything, what they do. cause i wasnt that type but slowly it change me. im out all the time, i mean like party, get drunk and trouble. But now, i get tired of that shit. I had tried it now and see how it is to fuck your life. well i wont say that my life is so fucked up. But slowly it will fuck up so bad, if i dont stop doing what i do. I do get drunk and go the party but i dont do that all the time at the weekend. but now i have chance to do that cause i dont have nobody to tell me, "dont go out all the time" cause im old in enough to do whatever i want. but still, i know where i should stop and take a break. And it will be always like that. 

But the one thing, i very liked that school is that i met a perfect guy, who wasnt really my type, he was different person. Everything was different about him and there was something i couldnt stop looking at him and one thing more, he was a little bit creepy when he looked at me. But i kind of liked it, and it took long time to like him. I'm kind that person take it slowly and i did but after i was with him all the time after school. that break it out, i very like him and i never felt like that before, i had exboyfriends before but this kind of feeling, i never had. And one day i just gave everything to him, my soul EVERYTHING and i was happy for that. One thing i reeeaally liked was his perfume, i fall in love over and over again when i smell it. That was the first time, we was out and i could smell that perfume and its very gooood.. and if i smell it from someone, it will always remind me of him. But now we not together anymore and that break me down. i miss how we talked to each other, laying down, cuddle, hugged as hell, kissede, holding hand to hand, fight for fun, laughing ect. i really miss that so bad and he was the only guy i really wanted and love so much. Now i lost him and if i see him around some place, i need look happy so he cant see that im down. i just need to fake my smile and to look everything will be okay when is not. I really need him right now but he already move on. its hard to see that he move on but there is nothing, i can do. he choose the way, he wanted and he got it.

Everything make me scared now. I dont even want to go out alone anymore or just walk a alone. It scared when I heard about a story and it makes me insecure to go out but I dont want a lot of people around me. I dont even think about when i go out at the middle of the night for a walk. Many thing can happen to me at the night but that way i didnt think cause i have already many stuff to think....... 

Losing yourself.

Did you ever felt so disgusting and want to just give up for everything, you've been through?
And dont even care what you're doing into your body and just want hurt yourself. Till the end, you dont feel a pain at all.. You just continue whatever you doing. But there is always a way you can go to, and some people always taking the wrong way cause they think is the best for them. They doesnt hurting themself for fun, there is always a story behind them even they tried to tell the story to someone and they can see, that person dont get it but you still continue telling. After you go to the other room or go home, the only thing you do is go the kitchen and find a glass and destroy it and do your thing. You sitting and thinking how much you hate your life and dont even wanted to live in this world. All you wanted to be gone and dont wanted feel pain anymore. And yes pain changes people so much and losing the self confident, never gonna let someone close to you cause you're afraid to lose them again. It will be hard to give yourself to someone after you have been through.